Would you rate/comment on my short 12 bar verse please?

Based on true events



In the schoolyard i used to beat up kids with my fists

i didn't do it in anger, the thought of hate didn't exist

it was cause the older kids would all shout and persist

"beat that kid's ***, man! This ****** deserves this."

So i would punch and i'd claw, and make my opponents eat dirt

i never once lost a fight, i was king of the Earth

but now the karma caught up, and i'm the one who is hurt

I don't own a thing in this world, man, not even my shirt.

and i see those that I harmed, have good lives and good health

and they go on to be successful, businessmen making wealth

and i look in the mirror and its hard to look at myself

so i ask for forgiveness, cause God knows i need the help.Would you rate/comment on my short 12 bar verse please?
it's hard to get the feel of the song as a whole with just 12 bars. but what you have is damn good. the lyrics got substance and i can tell the sh1t actually means somethin to you. it's definitely better than anything i've heard come outta lil waynes mouth. keep it up.



9 outta 10
It's hard to read lyrics. and try to but them with an unknown beat, when you write, you usually have a tempo, and beat in your head that you go with, you also have a unique vocal pattern that you deliver your rhymes with, so It's really hard to say if this is good or not, with out hearing how you would deliver themWould you rate/comment on my short 12 bar verse please?
Eh.
its good bro.

i can feel the passion even without hearing you rap it.

put some more bars in there and your set



9/10