What do you do as you watch your whole life crumble and feel powerless to stop yourself from sinking further?

I was diagnosed bipolar type 1 in Summer '05 after a tough year of high school. Got treated in-patient, put on the right medications, and life was gravy from '06-'08. Fast forward to today and things are on very shaky grounds. I've been meeting with a therapist from '08 once a week who is the only person that really understands me. I had a great Federal job for a year (I'm finishing up my last year at college), but I resigned because the work was mind-numbingly dull and I couldn't stand the bureaucrats, plus I wanted to get into an artistic field as opposed to a government position. Now, with the job market the way it is, I probably should have stayed. I've either cut ties with all of my friends or I have enraged them by isolating myself that I am their prime enemy. I had dated girls I met offline and other places but none of those worked out due to what I think are my personality flaws. My whole family is questioning what will happen with my life as they see all I'm concerned with is going to school, making films for class, and sleeping. I'm taking all medications as prescribed, but I'm afraid to change to different pills because I fear my condition may worsen and I'll totally lose control.



I've overheard on a few occasions (not being paranoid) some students in my class dissing me and generally showing disgust towards me when I do my best to show total respect to everyone in class. It seems as much as I want to come across as the 'good guy' and 'the nice guy' all 'happy inside' and hide my inner turmoil, people seem to hate me anyway. I got thrown out of a bar by force because I was misidentified by a bouncer for drinking out of a 'ladies only' cup. I sued the bar and settled for 200 dollars. A girl I slept with who used to date my friend said she would only continue to sleep with me if I paid her or did things for her, which enraged me. My older brother told me not to fix my brakes because they were perfectly fine and I heeded his advice, but got into an accident which ended up heavily damaging my car. Nonetheless, he hates me even more now, everyone is blaming me for everything, and mother thinks I am just jealous of all my brother's accomplishments. Oh, and I met a girl who I took on a date and found more/less "hot," came over to her house on the next day for a party...and got stuck in the snow with my damaged car so i had to walk home 6 miles, only when I got back she sent me 3 text messages listing all the ways in which I angered/disgusted her because I was stupid and could not keep up with her at playing "Cranium, which means you're not on my same level. Sorry. Bye, bye now."



As you can see, staying focused on making films is hard with so much drama in my life right now, but I feel it's the only thing that can save my nervous system from a breakdown. I'm just so troubled why all of a sudden things have gotten bad for me. I'm a really nice guy. I recently (few months ago) became a Christian, I love God, and I have always believed in treating others in the same way that you want them to treat you. I can get angry at times at home, but in public people have said I have a very positive attitude and cheerful personality, never seeming too down. What is it about me that could be causing people to dislike me in such a strong manner? What are these vibes and energies that could cause a friend of 11 years to suddenly proclaim his sheer and utter hate for me? Is it karma? Please, I am begging anyone for help because my whole world: from my mother, father, brother, to my college classmates, all my friends, random people that I'm meeting....people have such strong hate for me that graduating college seems fruitless if my entire life will involve these ups and downs of normalcy and insanity that are all out of my control. I have no money, no friends, no job, just apathy along with apparently no social skills (even though I've had quite a few girlfriends) and also I'm kind of overly talkative. Any feedback would be much appreciated...because when there's nothing worse than being lonely/isolated and sad.What do you do as you watch your whole life crumble and feel powerless to stop yourself from sinking further?
What you need to do is talk with your therapist about specific converstaions and/or encounters. There's no way everyone hates you just for existing. If you think you have problems interacting with people, try to jot down the conversation as accurately as possible, soon after it occurs, so you can take that to your therapist and go over what you and the other person said.



Ask God to show you your faults. You have to know what they are in order to change them. God may answer directly, or He may use your therapist. There is no such thing as "karma". You reap what you sow, and that's all there is to it. Most of the time, we look at the world through a magnifying glass, but we look at ourselves through 'rose-colored glasses', so it's hard for us to see our mistakes. That's what God and your therapist are for. Let them/help them both help you.



And, as for women- try to make sure you're choosing women who are kind, caring, nurturing, sympathetic, love animals (the innocent), and are responsible and dependable. Stay away from selfish twits who don't have anything better to do than play silly board games.



Good luck and best wishes!
I understand how you feel, more than I want to. Anyway, for me, it was a mis-diagnosis. Turned out that ADD med made all the difference. I have always loved to be sociable and help people and would talk a lot. And it was awful because I never understood why I put so many people off. I always talked alot, wanting to "share". Now on the med, I have much better self awareness and self control. I realize now, that I said and did a lot of things that were mis-interpreted by others. Things are going a lot better now that I am on ADD med. (I had seemed bi-polar at times before.) Maybe it is worth asking your shrink if you can be weaned off of the bi-polar med %26amp; try ADD med. I had to convince my psychiatrist, though it wasn't hard.

An ADD person was trying to help me to organize and she said that I acted just like her, when she wasn't on her meds. She was right.

I still have problems, but now the whole world looks a lot more clear to me. Before everything was just overwhelming and people avoided me like the plague, when I just wanted to be their friend, but somehow, I was just pissing them off. Good luck. I feel for you. I really do.

You can google Symptoms of ADD/ADHD. Try and answer the questions, the way you are when you are not on the bi-polar med. There are lots of different sites and lots of different styles of questions, it seems. Some lots of questions, I can relate to much better than others. On some lists, pretty much every question is a "yes" for me. Again, good luck. The first guys answer was really good. (I love animals!)What do you do as you watch your whole life crumble and feel powerless to stop yourself from sinking further?
Take charge be responsibe for your actions- learn to deal with it! We learn as a child- people can be cruel- their fault- not yours- %26amp; your the one paying for therapy sessions-- Learn to be YOU!

Learn that its OK if they critisize-expess envy- because you have the courage to be who you are %26amp; aren't a dam bit afraid to say so! Once your more relaxed with yourself you wont feel the need to be so talkative- protect whats yours--YOUR INDIVIDUALITY!